I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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