I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
