he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
