thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
