im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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