Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
