i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
