I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
