I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
