I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
