just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
