Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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