she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
