..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
