Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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