You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
