working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
