i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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