My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
