the condom got lost in my hair
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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