Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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