She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
