Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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