I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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