Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
