He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
