Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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