So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
