wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
