I puked a lego.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
