i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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