Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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