I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
