We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
