It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
