How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
