just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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