There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i've created a new STD.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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