I think I won the penis lottery.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
