I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
