She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
