Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
