Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
