woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
