i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
