My room smells like vodka and shame
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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