I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
