This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He did a backflip because drugs
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