I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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