And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
