Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
